Thursday 31 January 2013

Are we too indulgent with our children today?

       “You can do exactly as you want, as long as you do it with a smile.” So says Mr Smyle, the billionaire philanthropist who,  in 'Flight from Fernilee', takes 4 youngsters under his wing. But will having it all bring happiness? Will material riches make Miles, Alice, Joe and Odi forget what really matters? Can they morph into A-list celebs and still be nice people? 'Flight from Fernilee'  is purely fictitious, of course, as is the over-indulgent Mr Smyle. But such questions are well worth considering for real life families too... 
       When, during a recent survey, a group of young adults were asked their foremost goals in life, 81 percent put ‘getting rich’ top of the list, rating this more highly than helping others. This view seems to be reflected throughout the younger generation, especially in the developed world where materialism continues to increase despite economic pressures.
       At the same time, fewer school leavers seem content to find regular 9-5 jobs, preferring to set off on a glamorous career path in the belief that they deserve to ‘live the dream’ as portrayed so enviably by film stars, pop idols and assorted celebrities. You only have to watch the thousands of ambitious youngsters queuing to audition for talent shows such as X Factor. Even people with little or no talent are utterly convinced they have a right to be icons. 
       How did this attitude come about? Are children born this way? Well, most babies do enjoy the centre of attention, as is only natural and completely necessary; but there comes a point for every child when he or she needs to realise they’re not the Managing Director of the universe. It’s at this critical phase when parents need to appreciate that too!
       And this is the problem. Starting with the post-war Baby Boomers of the 1950s, followed by the self-regarding ‘free love, anything goes’ permissiveness of the 60s and 70s, and the ‘Must Have, Me Generation of the 90s’, then  capped by the current ‘you’re so worth it’ zeitgeist of the western world, children have been ever more indulged - prima donnas before they even hit Kindergarten. And from then on, it’s all downhill.
       They did not roll down it on their own. A toddler who gets that toy or sweet whenever they scream for it will continue to get that new iPhone, designer label, spray tan, car when they reach their teens. No, it is the parent who scurries off at a second’s notice to procure these treats for their difficult-to-please precious ones who are sowing the seeds of discontent along with a ruinous sense of entitlement.
       The fact is, according to the The Narcissism Epidemic, “Parents want to make their children happy, and children want stuff. Thus parents buy them stuff. And children are happy but only for a short period of time. Then they want even more stuff.” When ‘stuff’ can be acquired so easily, children fail to learn one of life’s most sobering lessons: Things cost. Teaching them the value of money, how to save for the things they want and how to budget for necessities is the kindest way to raise a child, equipping them for a debt-free future.
        Another problem identified by the book Generation Me is giving a child too much praise. Of course, self-esteem is important, but to laud a child’s every modest achievement as a work of genius and giving them the impression they’re better than anyone else is cruel, unnecessary and unlikely to win them friends at school or college. Just coming back to the X-Factor/Pop Idol shows again – how many talentless youngsters audition, convinced they deserve to become superstars? Tell someone they’re brilliant and they’ll believe it, leaving them wide open to ridicule later in life. The kinder, more balanced course is to commend children for genuine accomplishments, and, instead of overlooking poor behaviour or performance, help them see where they can improve. Says Generation Me, “True self-confidence comes from honing your talents and learning things, not from being told you’re great just because you exist.”
       In his book Escaping the Endless Adolescence, Dr Joseph Allen recalls holding a job interview with a young candidate who said: “I get the sense that sometimes parts of the work can be a little boring and I don’t want to be bored.” Says Dr Allen, “He didn’t seem to understand that all jobs have some boring elements. How did one make it to age twenty-three without knowing that?”
       Sadly, many youngsters leave school unprepared for any work that falls short of their overinflated view of themselves, no doubt feeling that menial tasks such as brewing beverages and running errands are beneath them.
       The problem is often the parents’ over-protectiveness, coupled with an unwillingness to blame the child for any misdemeanour or neglect. On no account is their precious darling ever to be upset, either by getting poor grades, or a speeding fine. The answer is to tackle the teacher and insist they up the marks, or pay the fine the budding Jeremy Clarkson has incurred. It’s always someone else’s fault and the youngster feels he or she can do exactly as they please without facing the consequences.
       This is something I feel particularly strongly about, having witnessed the decline into fecklessness, alcoholism and eventual death of someone dear to me.  As the youngest son of an older couple, he was over-indulged, over-protected and consistently excused from any blame for anything whatsoever. It was always someone else’s fault.
       If only his parents had heeded the advice in Positive Discipline for Teenagers: “Instead of learning that they can survive pain and disappointment, and even learn from it, such children grow up extremely self-centred, convinced that the world and their parents owe them something.”
       Had they allowed him to take responsibility for his actions, he might still be alive today. One thing’s for sure; children who work through their problems become more resistant to adversity and more confident in dealing with life in general – assets which will set them up for life.

Saturday 5 January 2013

The scariest programme for kids

       As responsible parents, we’re alert to the dangers of TV and the internet, while most of us do our utmost to shield children from violent and sexually explicit material.
       But what about the news? Night after night, horrific scenes are channelled into our homes, usually around tea-time when the whole family is likely to be around. Some may feel it’s pointless to protect youngsters from such scenes – and may even believe it’s good for them to see life as it actually is.
       On the other hand, a recent survey showed 40% of parents interviewed admitted their children had been disturbed by fearful images, such as wars, natural disasters and acts of terrorism. The shocking events of 9/11, for example, the dreadful massacres in Syria and other trouble spots or the mass  shootings at Sandy Hook School are reported over and over again, often accompanied by graphic images of injured people and shocking, heartrending witness accounts.
       Adults understand that what we see played out on our screens has already happened and is a one-off event. Small children, however, have no concept of the 'action replay'. They think every time a scary scene appears on a TV or computer it’s actually happening – again and again and again! Such repeated exposure causes children to develop paralysing fears.
       According to the Kaiser Family Foundation: “Children who watch a lot of TV news tend to overestimate the prevalence of crime and may perceive the world to be a more dangerous place than it actually is.” The Foundation also observe that children aged 3-7 are more afraid of news relating to natural disasters and accidents, while children between 8-12 years are more worried by crime and violence.
       One 11-year old was so disturbed by hearing after hearing of someone who decapitated a relative, she often has nightmares about the same thing happening to her.  A 6-year old was terrified by reports of tornadoes, constantly imagining a tornado was on its way and that she would die. And, afraid of being kidnapped, a boy who’d lost his way in Utah hid from rescue parties for four days, almost starving to death in the mountains as a result!
      If your child is affected by the news, here are a few ways you can help:
       Limit the amount of news they watch, taking their age, emotions and sensitivity into account.
       Watch the news with them so you can discuss any problems, highlighting positive aspects such as heroic rescue attempts and voluntary aid for victims.
       Reassure them that tragedies are unlikely to happen; pointing out all the precautions you’ve taken, such as installing smoke alarms or security systems.
       Discuss the likelihood of such events occurring and aim to help your child to get things in perspective.