Sad but true, at some time in your life things will
fail to go your way: Family and friends may disappoint you; school, college and
work mates may betray you; and people in authority may undermine your
confidence.
So how do you cope when the person you thought was your
best friend flirts with your crush, your parents or teachers don’t listen to
you and inexplicably you become the butt of feeble jokes? (Hopefully NOT by
going berserk with a shotgun – a pattern which seems to be increasing these
days as disaffected youths use violence in answer to small or imaginary sleights.)
Okay, so the anger may be justified, but can you control
what others do or say? Hardly. The only person you can really control is YOU,
and hopefully this post will help you to do that.
Stay
calm
This is stating the obvious yet it’s vital not to lash
out in the heat of rage. If you feel you’re about to lose control, just walk
away. Better to leave the scene than do
anything you may later regret - prisons are full of people like that! Cool down,
breathe deeply, then proceed to the next stage.
Analyse
Try to view the matter calmly and objectively. Are you
being overly sensitive? Could you have contributed to the problem in some way? Were
you unwise to burden your friend with a confidence? Did you set yourself up to
be ridiculed? Was the other party being cruel intentionally, or just indulging
in some witty banter? Even if the answer is ‘No’, would retaliating in kind
make things even worse? Could anger make you even nastier than the perpetrator?
Or blind you to your own faults:
“Everyone’s unreasonable except me!”
Empathise
Whenever you’ve been hurt, let down or inconvenienced
by someone, remember this undeniable truth: Everyone’s imperfect – including YOU!
Can you honestly say you’ve never been thoughtless, betrayed a confidence or
put your mouth into gear before your brain!
The tongue can be particularly tricky – like the rudder
of a boat, it’s comparatively small compared to the overall vessel, yet,
unchecked, it can steer even strong relationships onto the rocks. If you’ve
ever blushed at embarrassing things you’ve said in the past, then accept that
others can be just as slack-jawed in unguarded moments.
“If only everyone else was perfect!”
Talk
it over
If, after careful examination, you’re convinced the
other person deliberately set out to hurt you, by all means approach them – but
only when you’re feeling calm. Think of what you want to say beforehand, write
it down and rehearse it. Avoid emotional phrases such as “Why do you hate me?” “What have I ever done to you?” “How dare you
speak to me like that?” Instead, make
statements that are reasonable and matter of fact. For example: “I felt your
remark/action/attitude was rather hostile. Am I right in thinking you have an
issue with me?”
You may find the other person was oblivious to the
offence; perhaps it was a misunderstanding, or they could simply have been in a
grotty mood with everyone. On the other hand, they may have meant to upset you
and have no intention of apologising. At least you’ll have set matters
straight.
“Can we sort it out?”
Let
it go
If the person is genuinely sorry for any offence, the
best thing you could do is to forgive and forget, especially when dealing with
a friend. After all, you wouldn’t discard a favourite shirt or pair of trainers,
so why throw away a valuable friendship?
By keeping calm and standing back from the pain you feel,
you’ll often find the matter was nowhere near as serious as you first imagined.
You’ll earn respect for your rational way of dealing with things, hold onto
genuine friends (however imperfect!) and perhaps save yourself and others from an
awful lot of grief!
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